Self care for the sandwich generation
Who are the sandwich generation?
The sandwich generation refers to people who find themselves caring for young families as well as elderly relatives. Being a carer for either age group can be intense but for those who find themselves dealing with both family roles at once it can be especially challenging.
And let’s face it, it tends to be women and it tends to be women who are in that peri to post menopause transition.
It’s certainly a life stage I have now entered into.
The array of feelings that being in this situation presents is big.
Ranging from:
Sadness at seeing your elderly loved one decline and in many cases even grieving the loss of the person they used to be. (Especially when dementia is involved.)
Overwhelm at trying to keep up with diary commitments of the young and old alike, not to mention your own life.
Guilt over not always being able to fulfil tasks to the level you wish was possible.
Resentment at how your time is taken by others without them being able to return the favour as it were. Especially when the people you spend time caring for don’t always manage to acknowledge your efforts.
All of these feelings are valid and completely normal! Living with this level of emotion, often on a daily basis can be exhausting. And this is where it’s important to remember the advice to:
“Put your own oxygen mask on before you assist others.”
You are no good to those who depend on you if you are not looking after yourself. Self-care is so important if you find yourself the filling in a care sandwich.
If you’re depleted, then no-one gains.
Get to know what lowers your stress levels and helps you recharge. Then make sure you find time to do it. I know time is in short supply when you’re in this situation, so they don’t have to be big things.
Recharging your batteries doesn’t have to mean getting more sleep either, for some exercise is energising so a 10-minute walk at lunchtime or a class once a week could be your thing. If something more gentle is what works for you then a soak in the bath with the door locked and a book once a week, or listening to a book when you drive to the school run or cook dinner.
For me, it’s a chilly swim or a walk in the woods to help re-set my equanimity.
Remember its not selfish, in fact quite the opposite. You’re keeping yourself strong for those who need you at the moment.
Be open and honest with yourself about how you are coping.
Allow yourself to feel those feelings and wherever possible find a friend or relative who can offer you support. If the load is too big for you to bear then try to find some practical help, be it sharing tasks with family members or reaching out to professional organisations.
If you're not sure where to start https://www.ageuk.org.uk is a great resource to look at and your local authority may have local support networks you can join. I've found a local memory cafe a great resource for both me and my mother as well as a local Alzheimers Society case worker.
Despite all the challenges it is possible to navigate this time in your life positively, and remember it is just a phase it won’t last forever. You don’t have to lose all sense of yourself to the mum and carer role. In fact these roles can give you new experiences and skills that you may find useful in other areas of your life.
There are difficult moments, but there are also positive ones. And it’s important not to let the negativity drown those out.
I've been overwhelmed at times by the volunteers I've met who give their time to support those affected by dementia, and have taken part in lovely events that I'd never have known existed. The experience has given me a renewed sense of connection to my community as well as a desire to create better wellbeing support for the carers themselves. It's also really important to ask for help and create a support network for yourself and your family.
When you are run off your feet, remember you are not alone. I have found it helpful to talk with people in my network who are also in the sandwich years, just to let off steam and rant to someone who gets it provides a huge sense of relief.
In fact myself and Mel Wakeman are planning a series of video conversations soon talking about how to get through the sandwich years with positivity and without sacrificing your wellbeing so make sure you are following me/us here on LinkedIn or on Instagram/Youtube!
We'll be asking for your input, stories and strategies too - we're all learning here. I'm always open to better ways of making these years work better for me and my family.